Monday, September 23, 2013

Life After Abortion


I will never forget the day I first saw my baby. June 4, 2010, my life changed. I watched the beating heart of my 8 week unborn baby on an ultrasound screen. I really do miss this now. I always play it in my mind again and again. Laying on the bed, watching my babies heart move. It was a living human being. I aborted my child 14 days later. June 18, 2010 this babies little heart stopped. A part of me died that day, and life after that never got easier. The loss of a child to abortion is so tormenting. I feel like something is missing that should be here. I honestly never wanted to have an abortion. I desperately wanted this child. I wanted to raise this child. The thought of having to bring up a child on my own with no help scared me. So, I took the easy way out. Now, life for me is much different then before I got pregnant. I struggle with depression over my decision. When I see other babies and toddlers, it reminds me what I should have.I missed out on the opportunity to be a mother to my baby. Sometimes I get scared and think, what if I never have another baby? What If I never get that second chance to be a mother? What if this was the only baby I would of ever had? I feel a deep loss for this baby that I never had. It also effected my life a lot in many ways. I have lost friends, because of what I chose to do. I had people who I thought were friends go around and tell others what I did. A lot of people talked behind my back negatively. I have been criticized and told I was a horrible person for killing my child. People tell me that I shouldn’t feel regret. It was my decision and I should just live with it. This is in no way an easy thing to live with. I experienced 12 weeks of a life growing inside of me. I felt the morning sickness the whole time. I had all the pregnancy symptoms. i know what it feels like to carry a child that I love inside of the womb. I sometimes think what the child would have looked like and been like. I make up fake memories as to what life would have been if my baby were here. I do know that God does forgive me and that my baby is in heaven. I will meet her someday. I will always love my little one.

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