Wednesday, December 10, 2014

The Baby I Never Got To Know

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It was spring time and today I felt like something wasn’t right. I noticed I have gained some weight. I feared the worst, am I pregnant? I have feared this for a while but waited it off to see if I really was. My menstrual cycle for the month of May never came. I didn’t think it was possible I was pregnant. My boyfriend and I broke up after a fight 2 weeks ago, so we are no longer together. I knew a place I could go to get a free pregnancy test. I went to the London-Middlesex Health Unit here in London Ontario to get it done.  When I got there I started to feel very nervous. I really didn’t want to do this but I knew I had to. I was so scared what the results would be. I walked in and registered to get a pregnancy test done today, May 12, 2010.

I waited in the waiting room until my name was called. I was so anxious. I really did want to find out but didn’t all at the same time. I was thinking how could I let this happen to me? I was 22 years old and not in a stable relationship. I didn’t even love the father. My name was called and I walked into one of the rooms they had. They gave me a cup to pee in and they told me to go into the washroom. I came out and handed it to them and they told me to sit and wait in the room until the results came in. I waited for 10 minutes. Those minutes felt like hours. I was shaking and very scared. A male health nurse walked in and closed the door. He paused for a few seconds and then says, “You are pregnant.” At that moment I just lost it. I asked if there was a chance it could be wrong. The male nurse said no. I was at least 4 weeks pregnant. I told him straight up I wanted an abortion right away. He said I couldn’t and he gave me a phone number to call.

I walked out of the clinic in tears and worry. My worst nightmare was just confirmed to be true. I was carrying a baby in my womb. I went home and that night I couldn’t sleep. I called the Crisis Line because I was just crying so much. The lady on the phone tried talking me out of abortion. I just didn’t know what I wanted to do. Part of me wanted to keep the baby but I was too scared to raise it. Adoption would be way too hard but I thought about all 3 choices. I knew one had to be made soon. I would only keep the baby if I had help and support but I have none of that. The next day on May 13, 2010 I called the Women’s Health Clinic where they do abortions. I was calling to book mine. I felt this was the best option at this time. I just wasn’t ready to raise a child on my own at this time in my life. I wasn’t even with the father anymore and wasn’t willing to be a single mother. I wanted help that I wasn’t going to have. So I went forward with the decision of abortion even though I really didn’t want too.

As I was talking to the abortion clinic on the phone they asked me how far along I was. I said I was 4 weeks. They said I had to wait until I was 8 weeks to be able to have an abortion. They also told me I had to have a blood test and ultrasound to confirm pregnancy. So I booked my appointment for that on June 4, 2010. I had to wait almost a month. Right after I found out I was pregnant the morning sickness started. It was the worst feeling of being sick I ever felt in my life. I just couldn’t wait until this pregnancy was over.

I would always go on the internet and look up how big the baby was week by week. I found it to be very fascinating. I had this little baby growing inside of me and to me that was special. I just wanted to change my mind for what I was about to do in the coming weeks. Once it is done it would be too late. That baby would be gone from my womb forever, never to be born. The morning sickness got worse over time and I had to buy some Canadian Dry ginger ale to stop myself from getting sick. It helped me a lot throughout my pregnancy. I did really start to care about my baby to the point I almost thought about keeping it.

On June 4, 2010 it was the day of my ultrasound. My friend came to pick me up to take me to the Women’s Health Clinic at Victoria Hospital. I went in alone but he would come back for me when the appointment was done. I went in and they took me upstairs to the abortion clinic. They also do ultrasounds there. They brought me into a room after I registered and I sat in a chair near a screen. The nurse told me to lay back and pull my shirt up to expose my tummy. She put some jelly on my belly and started moving this device on it. She was looking towards a screen. I said “Do you see it?” She said “Yes, would you like to see it?” I said “Yes.”  She turned the screen towards me and I saw the baby. She pointed out where the heart was and I was so amazed. I saw it moving. I asked her how far along I was. She said I was 8 weeks and 4 days along.  They asked me if I would like to have the abortion on June 9, 2010, that was only 5 days away. I said I didn’t want to be awake during the abortion. So they told me If I wanted to be put to sleep for the abortion, I had to wait until June 18, 2010. That abortion would be done in the operating room by a suction tube. I agreed to do it and I would have to be pregnant for another 14 days.

When I was 10 weeks pregnant I realized from the internet it had everything, hands, fingernails, eyes and mouth. I would even touch my lower belly to see if I could feel anything move, but it was too early for that. No matter how much I cared about this baby, nothing would make me change my mind. Abortion was the answer for me at this time. In 1 week this baby will be taken out of my womb. I really didn’t want this but I didn’t know what else to do. Adoption is just to hard for me to do, I couldn’t see myself handing my baby over to someone else. Raising a baby on my own as a single mother would be really hard as well. I wouldn’t have help at all. All I had on my mind was the easy way out, abortion.

This last week of being pregnant was really hard for me. I had to enjoy it while it lasted. It seems quite weird I am trying to make the most to enjoy a pregnancy I was going to abort. I had a choice, I could say no I am going to keep my baby. My fear and anxiety wouldn’t let me though. I was just too scared. It’s easy to be pregnant, it’s hard to be a mother. I wouldn’t know a thing about being a mom. But I just wish something or someone would stop me from killing my child. I wish someone would just help me. I am about to kill an innocent baby that I desperately want. I know I am not ready but that doesn’t mean I should do what I am about to do. But when you feel you have no other options, you take the easy way out. This choice I am making will forever change my life.

June 18, 2010, would be the last day this baby had life in me. It was the worst feeling in my whole life. I wanted something or someone to stop me. I felt so alone. My friend and I went to Victoria Hospital at 7 am. The appointment was at 7:30 am.  When I got there I was led into a room with a lot of people.  They gave me a gown and slippers to put on.  I was in bed for a half hour until they told me to take two white pills. Once you take these pills, you can’t change your mind. Then they put an IV in my left hand. As I sat there with my friend, I noticed a lot of women, especially young, walking in. They were all crying. I could tell why, they were in there for the same reason I was. I asked my friend “How come I am not crying?” he told me it was because I was thinking more about myself instead of this little one inside of me. I didn’t believe that though. I did care about this baby.

At 8 30 am it was time for me to go to the operating room to have the abortion. They put some sleeping medicine in my IV and I made the doctors laugh when I said I feel funny. They held a breathing mask to my face and within 10 seconds I fell asleep. I woke up in the recovery room. I was only asleep for a half hour. I was no longer pregnant. My little one is no longer growing inside of me. I let my baby go to heaven. I let my baby go at 11 weeks.

Now its years later and I have deep regret in the decision I made for my baby. My child now should be 4 years old. If I could of done things differently, I would have not aborted my baby. I am very upset at myself that I am now forever in guilt. I look at other mothers with their children and I always say to myself in my head “That should be me.” I did go though some counseling in the past and it helped me a lot. I even named my baby and felt it would have been a girl, Kacey. I know I have to move on and forgive myself. I hope one day I meet the right person and someday have a family, so I can be a mother once again.

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