§ Volunteer Form

§ What is Pro-Life Unity?

To achieve Pro-Life Unity we will establish standards that we all agree upon, and efforts that we all regularly participate in. By working together we can challenge the culture of death and the apathy which is pervasive in our society.

§ Action Code

          I cannot wait to die.  Pretty morbid, hu?  Also a tad bit crazy.  But before you call the men with the straight jacket to come cart me away for not only feeling this way but boldly stating it publicly…let me explain.
         
          I’m not depressed, sad or lonely.  I don’t suffer much in my life and God has blessed me with so much I sometimes cannot wrap my head around the depth of His generosity.

          I really do try to live my life positively, with passion and anticipation of all life has to offer.  I try not to complain too much when things don’t work out the way I had planned and I would say even with my faults I am a generally happy, positive person looking forward to the next new thing. I respect life in all of its goodness; I accept the not so good, and everything in between.  After the horror of taking the lives of two of my children through abortion, I realized with healing what an awesome gift life really is.  Regardless of all this, I cannot wait to die.  In fact, so much so that I sometimes have a hard time figuring out why everyone else doesn’t feel the same way I do.

         
          I remember the first time I felt this way.  I was in the kitchen of the rental house we lived in and I was making breakfast for my two beautiful children.  All of a sudden, I just had this fact, this knowing, this truth in my head.  It wasn’t a coming to terms moment, it was just there.  That someday, I would get to die and finally know what it would be like to be with Jesus and nothing but perfect love would surround us.  And I yearned overwhelmingly for it. 
          Four years later, that yearning has not diminished.  In fact, I believe it has become stronger.  I have pages and pages of journal notes of what I can’t wait to experience once I get to heaven. 

    Pure love.  Naturally soft skin.  No dieting.  Complete trust.  No democrats.  No tears. No fears.  No big rears.  No doubt.  No dentists.  The smell of spring. No lines; on my face, on the freeway or in the grocery store.  No pain.  Perfect weather; whether it be rain, sun or snow.  Butterflies in the tummy.  The smell of wind at dusk.  No deadlines.  No arguments.  No worrying about why your teenager isn’t home when he’s suppose to be.  No realization that you’ve made someone cry.  No death of a loved one, no matter how much they did or didn’t want it.  No suffering.  No bad hair days.  No red lights.  No haters.  No broccoli.  No hunger, or wars, or terrorists.  No migraines, or tumors or H1N1.  No unfairness, like someone getting the Nobel Peace Prize when John Paul II or Mother Teresa should have gotten it.  No children’s hospitals or senior living facilities – where no one visits.  Justice for the unjust. No pet hair or turtle poop.  No sickness.  Belly laughing until you think you’ll cry, but you won’t cry because they’ll be no more crying.  No emptying the dishwasher or mopping the floor or running out of food while your baby’s stomach growls.  Nothing but unimaginable, unequivocal joy.  And I cannot wait to experience it all.
           
            St. Ignatius of Loyola felt somewhat the same way.  All his life he yearned to be with Jesus.  Like a true saint, he lived a long, patient life devoted to God.  It wasn’t until he was in his eighties that he was captured and sentenced to death for being a Christian and at long last was going to get his wish.  He was on the road to Italy to be martyred, when he found out friends were planning to break him out of the prison where he awaited to be thrown to wild animals.  He wrote to them, asking that they not interfere with this gift which coincided with his desire to die and be with God.  The difference between me and St. Ignatius, (besides the whole saint thing) was his complete and total dedication to living his life on earth for Christ while longing for Christ in heaven.  I had fallen quite short in that respect.

            For some time I didn’t understand my yearning, why I felt so strongly for it and why I couldn’t just leave this life and get on with it.  I was completely unaware of my selfishness or that my yearning was without thought for those around me.
           
            It was about this same time that I stumbled across a book called “Purgatory” by Fr. F.X. Schouppe. I read it straight through on an airplane trip where I hoped the plane door would suddenly open and suck only me out in one quick gulp so I could get on to my just rewards.  I read until I got to the part where I realized how thoughtlessly wasteful my time here on earth would have been if Jesus had answered my many prayers to take me before I had accomplished what he had put me on this earth to do.  I felt ashamed and humbled once I finally realized exactly how inconsiderate and self-serving my driving need to die had been.
           
              Since then, I’ve had a change in perspective.  This realization has created incredible energy in me as well as a passion to embrace this gift of life.  I don’t want to get up to heaven and have Him say, “Oh, of all the things you could have accomplished if you had only thought beyond yourself.” The desire to succeed at what God has meant for me to do here on earth almost, but not quite, outweighs my longing to die.  But now I see my life as an analogy.  I see it as the short time before a long anticipated vacation.  Some people can waste time waiting for the trip, not really doing anything productive beforehand, just going through the motions because everything pales in comparison to what’s in store.  Or, they can use that time to get ready for their journey in order to make their vacation better for themselves as well as those going with them.  God has given me specific equipment to ensure a fabulous getaway for me and my loved ones.  I can take that gear, say thanks, stuff it in the corner of my mind and impatiently wait for what’s ahead.  Or, I can look forward to the trip with joy while realizing this time is for preparation and I can do my part with my talents God gave me and I can realize that with a different attitude the anticipation is almost much fun as the trip itself. 
           
            So yes, I still cannot wait to die.  But knowing God and His incredible sense of humor, I’m sure, like St. Ignatius, I’ll have to wait until I’m about eighty-five and cranky before I get my wish.  Which, I guess is ok; because I know it’s going to be a long trip and I still have a lot of packing and prep work to do before I can leave.
Shelley Allsup
Oct. 09